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Today I've had a realisation.

I'm unhappy.

I am not who I want to be.

I have lost...once more.

Time Flies by Lykke Li sounds in the background.

Its the anthem of years and years of accumulated oppression and sadness.

They teach you that you have to suffer to be happy. That you have to suffer to be successful.

Success, money, to accomplish a lifestyle, a social status, a recognition.

To lie. To make up. To want the unnecessary.

To destroy and propose a solution for the harm you've done.

We are taught to think about the future. To think we own it.

We are told to progress. To achieve more. To show that we can, that we are better and that we can get better.

We are told to run. To run further and further, no matter who we leave behind.

We are sold fake figure of geniuses.

We are labelled, packed, marked, quantified....sold.


I am a strong believer in the present. Now it matters. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday. Not the Future. Not what is to be achieved.

What moves me is a moment full of emotion. Orchestrating these require time, and although this processes are related to money...they are independent, and because they flourish in a societal construct based on capitalism.

Architecture is very, very, very, very, vey, vey, very much ego related. Everyone is running for the new thing, for more, and more. For creative diarrhea. If we can't evaluate the quality of the ideas we present, what are we left to judge? Style.

And I am absolutely unconcerned about style.

What I have learnt with time is that Time Flies, is a longing for the lost time, and this perception of a time that is lost occurs because we have forgotten to live the present.

I am tired of doing what I do. I enjoy doing architecture, but it drains me. I am becoming what I have always fought: impolite, indifferent, uninviting...

I am behaving in a way that I cannot stand. Its awful.

Two weeks ago I was crying in front of the computer. I have lost all my eating habits, as well as my sleeping habits.

As now I am waking up as 13:00 and going to bed in disparate times every day.

I am drawing a building that is never going to be built. Drawing things that will never happen, because I am looking for a solution that is bet suited for the locals, and if money is put into building is to create a profit and not a benefit.

I have been watching youtube endlessly without leaving my my house for entire days. Later leaving my home to buy sweets to dissipate my anxiety.

Time Flies is an anthem for all the lost time. Is a mourning for all that I have been trough because of injected agendas.

I need the sun. the breeze and the fresh air.

Im at the edge of not being able to cope and wanting to trow everything out the window (if I could...)

At the same time I am afraid of disappointing my parents. I am afraid of creating too much trouble for my family. I don't want to become a burden.

I am afraid of leaving university and leading a life of unfulfilled dreams. (Again, wondering about the future...)

I am afraid of the contingency of life, and that in this contingency I might get absorbed.

I don't want to make my parents work to sustain me.

My soul is tired. I can hardly find beauty around me. I feel that I am totally out of control, and I can't stop moaning. Moaning and moaning because I feel sexually repressed. I can't dress or express the way I feel because I feel I am decontextualised, out of place. I feel I am wrong. I feel unconnected. I feel disoriented.

I am sorry to be so absorbed. I genuinely have an interest in what is not me, but when you have so many things to do, sa many boxes to tick, it you in your room. I hate being to self centered.

I know what is the perception that people have of me.

I hate this amount of self-consciousness. I wish I could regain all the time I've lost.

From the present I wave to the past-me, hoping that It will come back and regain momentum.

I feel helpless and therefore I can only ask for it to return. I feel astonishingly weak to perform this returning myself.

I just want to make clear that I love everything that moves, oscillates, vibrates, beats... there's no room for hate in me and hope every single person that saw a glance of hate, arrogance, disgust or unhappiness in my face, I hope that they forgive me, it was not me.